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No matter how much training mentors receive, most mentors will feel some anxiety when they meet their mentees for the first time - especially if their mentees are in their adolescent or early teen years. The mentees might also test a mentor's commitment during the early stages of the relationship - especially if the young person has had experiences of being let down by other adults in his or her life.

 Why are the adolescent and early teen years so awkward?

Puberty is a precocious and unstable time. A time of rapid physical growth and human development changes. Emotional maturity tends to lag behind physical development, which is why some adoescents seem very childish at times. Youth often fluctuate between wanting freedom and wanting structure and protection.

Physical changes can lead to stress, inexplicable mood swings, an identity crisis, expanded cognition and moral reasoning, and belief in their own indestructibility. It is a time of excitement, often associated with the pleasure of developing new abilities and talents. Many researchers point to the fact that between the ages of 11 and 14, young people are at their creative best, so you should look for ways to encourage the use of these wonderfully creative spirits!

What youth want

A useful exercise is to imagine yourself in your mentees' shoes and try to understand their world. The key is to be non-judgmental and to enter the relationship with no specific expectations, allowing the mentee to dictate the pace. Be patient and let the relationship develop naturally. Some relationships have a quick connection, while others, often where teenage boys are involved, could take longer. While most girls will be happy to sit and chat, boys prefer doing things with communication occurring during these activities.

Research suggests that young people want adults to listen to them and to take them seriously; to be available; to be non-judgemental, to have non-directive attitudes and consult more; to have a sense of humour; to be straight talking so that they know where they stand; and to be trusting, always observing confidentiality within the parameters laid down by the program's policies and procedures.

Effective mentors are sincere, respectful and empathetic. Their mentees feel safe and secure in their company and want to have plenty of fun. Remember that most mentees genuinely desire to have a meaningful relationship with at least one significant adult, in addition to their parents, as they journey through adolescence to adulthood. Never enter a mentoring relationship to 'fix' or 'save' your mentee. You should be both a friend and a role model at a time in the young person's life when the influence of peers is of the utmost importance or when they feel devoid of friends or adult support and are living in a high-risk environment.

Final words from the mentees themselves. Many, many times I have heard young people say, in response to a question asked by mentors about to embark on the mentoring journey concerning the best advice a young person can give new mentors: "Be yourself." "Never quit on us."

Enjoy the mentoring journey - it's potentially a life-changing experience. 

Robin Cox, B.A., Higher Diploma in Education, is the founder of Youth Empowerment Seminars (YES) and in 1999 developed a Mentor Training Program for volunteer adult mentors working with students. He has trained over 700 volunteer adult mentors and run over 60 mentor training programs or workshops. For more information, please visit http://www.yess.co.nz

The role of the mentor

An excerpt from The Spirit of Mentoring, by Robin Cox 

Motivating: Motivate your mentees to become the best they can be. They can reach their potential as they come to believe in their own self-worth, acknowledging that usually they have control over things that happen to them.

Empowering: Let your mentees know they are valuable and valued. When they feel safe, liked and respected, they will feel connected with you. Have realistic yet high expectations and communicate them. Remember that when you empower your mentees, you are not just influencing them, you are also influencing all the people they influence (eg, peers and family).

Navigating: Be a wise guide as your mentees discover more about themselves, come to believe in their own abilities and deal with a variety of adolescent issues. Be prepared to negotiate clear boundaries with them so that they understand the consequences when they cross these boundaries.

Teaching: Be a coach, role model and cheerleader wherever possible. Being a wise guide involves being a role model and encouraging your mentee to develop or refine important life skills, such as getting goals, managing their time effectively, resolving conflicts, and appreciating the lasting importance of learning and of having a sense of purpose.

Open-minded: Be non-judgemental. Accept your mentees as they are. Remain objective - able to look at all sides of an argument or situations as you encourage your mentees to interact positively with others and learn how to cope with new situations.

Reflecting: Role-model the important activity of taking time out to reflect. Teach your mentees how to review their situation by looking for the positives and affirming opportunities and by learning from mistakes and other life experiences.

Looking for more?
Check out the excerpt from Robin Cox's book The Spirit of Mentoring available online.